The 48th minute of the hour-long Zoom call is where hope usually goes to die, but today it is being suffocated by a bar chart. Twelve of us, representing a combined annual salary that could likely fund a small municipal library, are staring at a screen-share of a Looker dashboard. My eyes are stinging-not from the blue light, but because I managed to get an aggressive amount of clarifying shampoo in them twenty minutes before the call started. Every time I blink, the world turns into a smeary, soap-sudded watercolor, which, ironically, is exactly how most of our marketing data looks if you squint hard enough.
We are currently debating the exact semantic boundaries of a ‘qualified lead.’ Is it someone who downloaded the whitepaper? Or someone who downloaded the whitepaper and didn’t immediately block our email domain? We’ve spent 18 minutes on this. We are doing this because the alternative is looking at the bottom right-hand corner of the slide where the actual revenue numbers are down by 28%. If we can redefine what a ‘lead’ is, we can turn that red downward arrow into a green upward arrow. We can manufacture success out of the ether. It is the corporate version of moving the goalposts until they are standing directly in front of the ball.
This is the weaponization of data. We
